The One Good Thing I've Learned Unequivocally This Week:

As a woman, conservative, conservationist, investor, friend, member of polite society, I come away from current events this week knowing only one good true thing:

Stockpile toilet paper.

Forget carbon offsets; stockpile toilet paper.

One day, if the eco-nazis get back into power, we could just have a toilet paper frenzy, a la tulip mania in Holland, early 17th century. You could perhaps end up trading a roll of your stockpiled scarce bathroom tissue for, say, Sheryl Crow's used Mercedes, or a small mobile home.

Who knows what the future could bring here if a bubble gets going.

And, since you asked, here's a brief history of toilet paper and, er, what went before the free markets and entrepreneur spirit took care of our baser needs. Don't miss the part about the splinter-free variety and when it first hit the market.

Let's see, that was after the corncob and early editions of the Sears catalogue and New York Times had been used for decades, but centuries after 14th century emperors in China had ordered 3 foot squares made for their luxurious disposal.

If I were a betting woman, I would say we'll see some clever new designs---entrepreneur applications---for bathroom paper in the next few months, as a result of all the hubbub this week.

Some women have even made wedding dresses out of the stuff with extraordinary results.

Let's see, toilet paper clothing, jewelry, hats, sculptures, floral designs and tiny books.

As I was saying, stockpile toilet paper.